My daughter asked me for the first time why Grandma’s hands shake when she pours juice, when she was 5. My response to that was a bit unclear. I said that Grandma was getting older, which is true, and a bit unhelpful. Since, to five-year-olds, there are plenty of old people that don’t shake when they pour juice. She gave me a puzzled look as though I dodged the question; I had.
It is at that time that I realized that nobody teaches you how to speak to small children about the need for a grandparent to be helped more. There is no right or wrong, no script. You receive books on explaining death, explaining divorce, explaining a new sibling. There is not much to the gentler, less ominous transition of becoming a family member’s grandparent rather than being completely independent.
Okay, if you are in that position right now, here are some things that helped in our house and some things I would like to have known before we did it.
Kids Already Know Something Is Different
Your child’s first instinct is likely to be a feeling of “something’s different”. They noticed that Grandma is sitting down more during their visit. They feel that you are now cutting her food, or that a stranger shows up at her house when you go there. Children have a remarkable ability to observe their loved ones, even if they can’t identify them.
This means the question of whether or not to address it is typically answered for you. They know. Either you’ll be the one to tell them, or they’ll discover it themselves from half-heard conversations between adults, which rarely works out. Children plug in their own ideas into the voids, and they are often more frightening than reality.
Avoid Euphemisms
This is what I did wrong in the question about the pouring of juice. “Getting older” is an euphemism and children are very literal. If Grandma has Parkinson’s, tell the kid about Parkinson’s in a sentence that they can hold onto: “It’s something that happens in her brain that causes her hands to shake sometimes, it’s not because she did something wrong, it’s not something you can catch and it’s not something you can do.
Most parents don’t realize that last part. Young children are genuinely concerned about getting whatever grandchild is getting, or that it was somehow their fault: They were too loud, they climbed on grandchild too much, they made her tired. Calling the real thing what it is, by real words, actually obstructs a lot of those private fears before they can increase.
Let Them Help, Even in Small Ways
After I explained to our daughter what was going on, she wanted a job. No, she didn’t want to be asked; she just wanted something to do that was useful. We let her place Grandma’s water glass where she can reach it without stretching, as well as bring her the water glass. It’s a little detail, but it did the trick. She ceased to see Grandma as somewhat frightening and unknown and began to see her as someone who she was able to help.
This is an appropriate time to candidly remind the grown-up that sometimes they need additional assistance as well — not from family, but from others who are trained to assist them. If your family has begun considering in-home care services in Omaha or something like that, be sure to tell your child the truth: “Sometimes, Grandma has someone come to help her during the day, just as you have a teacher to help you at school. Children cope so much better than most adults with “there’s a helper” issues, particularly if introduced as a normal, not alarming, concept.
Don’t Promise Things You Can’t Promise
It’s easy to comfort a concerned child at the moment with a statement such as “Grandma is going to be just fine.” Sometimes that’s true. Typically, in a progressive condition, it is not and youngsters remember guarantees. If it gets tougher later, and it will, a broken promise teaches a kid that adults aren’t trustworthy hard conversation tellers, and that lesson will follow him from every subsequent hard conversation he has with an adult.
Another more honest one: “We may see how it goes as time goes on with her, and we will be working together to see how to help her. It’s less tidy. It’s also true and kids can do that better than we think.
Expect the Questions to Come in Waves
It’s not a conversation that our daughter has had once. A month later when she saw a walker in the front hall, she asked about it again. A few months later, however, Grandma couldn’t attend a birthday party. She always had to give the same honest reply, but the answer had to be a bit different each time; it wasn’t as if she was going to start a new dialogue.
That’s normal. Little kids retell what they read, like they retell what they heard, but not because they didn’t get it on the first reading, but because they want to see if it still makes sense the way they remember. Each time you answer calmly and consistently, you are reinforcing that it is a safe topic to discuss, not one that must be “cautiously” broached.
The Goal Isn’t a Perfect Conversation
I still recall the time I poured that juice and still wish I had a better answer. But this goal was never to get it right the first time. It was to be someone my kid could come back to with the more difficult question without feeling like she had come in on an area of adults’ business.
Older grandma’s hands still tremble. My daughter still puts her water glass down right where she can get it. She remembered this period of time, not the fear, but the helping, which somehow was in between the first clumsy response and now.